Asexuality Awareness Week 2016: BDSM & Asexuality

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Hi! I’m Michele, I’m a freelance editor and reviewer here at JLR, and you probably know me online as neverwhere. I’m a biromantic asexual, and to celebrate Ace Awareness Week I’ll be talking about something which is important to me but rarely get to discuss, which is the sadly misunderstood and often ignored world of asexual kink. I’m a domme, but many people don’t know how this is even possible – I hope this blogpost will help clear up some misconceptions about BDSM in general, and perhaps even offer some new ideas about what you might enjoy! Also please do keep in mind that the spectrum for enjoyment is just as varied for aces as for anyone else, so my experiences and preferences may not be the same as others, and although I will try to address everything as inclusively as possible I’m approaching this from a dominant’s perspective, so someone who identifies as a sub might necessarily have a different response. 🙂

canstockphoto17526089So how can someone be kinky and asexual? There are several reasons this is not a contradiction, the first being there are plenty of nonsexual kinks and fetishes, especially ones involving domestic service, aesthetic pleasures like uniforms and cosplay, the psychological aspects of D/s, orgasm control/denial for your allosexual partner, and many aspects of pet play. (I am partial to all of these. ;- ) Even ‘standard’ kinks like impact play and shibari that are always presented as sexual don’t have to be — you can relish being trussed in rope because it feels safe and relaxing, and you can delight in the way a rosy bottom looks after a spanking without wanting to do anything more. Sometimes a person just needs to experience subspace, or take time caring for their sub. Virtually everything in BDSM can be enjoyed nonsexually, if that’s how your headspace works — most people don’t separate the two, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. You can still feel the endorphin rush of a good scene without bringing sex into the equation, I promise.

Although it’s different for everyone, aesthetics and power dynamics are the main things I enjoy: I love feeling powerful and in control (because I feel helpless everywhere else), I love the beauty of corsets, collars, and possessive marks, and I love knowing someone trusts me enough to let me do whatever I want to them. Do I feel happy I’m being trusted like this? Yes. Proud and appreciative of the marks I leave? Ohhh yes. Smug and full of endorphins and dopamine? Hell yes. Do I want to have sex because of it? No, not particularly.

However, just because I don’t experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean I don’t experience arousal – my body is still perfectly functional after all – but when I want to dominate someone that isn’t why I enjoy it. Being an asexual domme what actually ‘gets me off’ is the power exchange, knowing someone enjoys submitting to me, that’s what they like, that they think I’m capable and powerful and trustworthy – and if they gaze at me with adoring puppy eyes, well that’s even better!

pixabay-lightstargod-bdsm-kinkI think the main thing I find so meaningful, as strange as it may sound, is that it helps me feel normal, that I’m not broken and I do have desires, even if they’re not conventionally recognised ones. Kink isn’t socially recognised anyway, so even though I don’t particularly feel a part of the BDSM scene (which is a post for another day), it’s still more of a community than I would otherwise have. I want to feel needed and appreciated, I want to be in control and I want to know someone is doing all they can to obey. If they find service, discipline and obedience sexually pleasurable, that suits me just fine, because I find it exceedingly pleasurable too. Just, differently. : )

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Michele is a freelance editor. She lives in the festive seaside town of Brighton, England with her aspiring roboticist partner, an abundance of geeky books, and a cuddly feathered velociraptor. In her spare time she enjoys socialising on twitter, saving the world from eldritch horrors in tabletop board games, and dreaming of one day having her very own hobbit hole to call home.

Find her online at:

16 thoughts on “Asexuality Awareness Week 2016: BDSM & Asexuality

  1. Michele, this post is so amazing, I can’t say it enough. As a fellow kinky ace (and wow, The Kinky Aces sounds like a great band name!!) this post really resonates. Ive been thankful to have positive experiences in kink, and most people respect that as a sub I don’t experience submission the same way as allo kinksters, but I’m always surprised by how many people insist on a connection between BDSM and sex! ❤️ I hope this post helps people understand the matter a bit more!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Loved this post, so thank you! I’m still trying to figure things out, but pretty much know I’m an ace of some sort. It’s wonderful to know there are others out there, even if I don’t know where I fit in.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “just because I don’t experience sexual attraction doesn’t mean I don’t experience arousal – my body is still perfectly functional after all”

    Um, not sure what you’re trying to imply about nonlibidoist aces.

    Like

    • If I had more space I would have included another paragraph detailing the spectrum and *especially* how I dislike that discussions of asexuality are, almost by necessity, framed around being capable of arousal, even if we don’t actually experience *sexual attraction*, because that’s how outsiders are most easily able to understand our experiences. I tried to both include and negate that part of the conversation here, and I do apologise if my brevity implied anything unwanted! I could, and probably should, write a lot more about this, because none of us, no matter how we appear on the spectrum, have anything wrong with us at all : )

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      • Thanks. I just hope you see now how that comes off.

        Anyway… you mentioned not getting to talk about this stuff often. I’ve faced the same problem a lot too… so on that note, anyone interested in atypical kink conversations should check out the Unravel imzy.

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  5. I am a (closeted) asexual sub and have been for over 10 years, but it hasn’t been until recently that I discovered there are other aces into the whole bdsm thing! It kind of felt like I was the only one even though I had a feeling that statistically-speaking I couldn’t be, but I didn’t know if anyone was talking about it or where to find them. It does make me feel better to know there are others out there–maybe I’ll actually get a chance to try something out in real life rather than just in my own fantasies . . . Thank you for writing and sharing this!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. It’s quite interesting because I’ve discussed being into BDSM and being ace at the same time with some people just a few weeks ago and they couldn’t believe it’s actually possible. BDSM – to me – is about trust and I wouldn’t have to necessarily trust the person I have sex with. I feel like BDSM needs a deeper connection than sex would ever need and a lot of people don’t really get that, so thank you for that article 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I simply LOVE this post. If I could I would print it out and hang it up everywhere.

    I hate how kink is always equalled with sex (the same way being in a relationship has to be about sex, but that’s another thing).

    It’s especially interesting to read about an domme, because I mostly – like 99% – read about doms and getting another point of view is always great. I work at a publisher, who publishes some erotic books and if there are bdsm scenes (well… they want to be bdsm scenes, but I wouldn’t really call them that), they’re always about male dominants and female subs. Same with the arcs I get.

    Liked by 1 person

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  9. I am so very new to this and this post was so nice for me to read! I am a demisexual married to i would say overly sexual man. Anyway, he recently wanted to start a d/s relationship and I have been trying my best to find how our relationship would fit in that lifestyle since sex is something that seems to be different for us, but this post made me feel not so alone! thank you for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

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